A girl called Beainy

(Part I)

People normally would say “Hey there, come join me on my journey of recovery (of whatever) or my fitness journey shit or whatever they’re doing” no offence though, but Not me. I’m not really good at doing the “opening subject” shit cause, that is just me. I am a weirdo. Haha! Anyway, here we go..

I don’t really know where to start. I mean, I have done this before when I was 13-16 years old? But I stopped because it is bull. Utterly bullshit. It’s a story about my daily life that I’ve done etc. That was ages ago. Now after giving much thought and writing in journal, I think it’s time for me to do this again and for once a proper blog about me and share it with the world (doubt anyone would read this shit. LOL). So this chapter will be tittle as “A girl called Beainy.” (Well technically, that is not my real name. It’s actually Ain. Ain Marzuki. So heyyy ya’ll!) Ha. Well said that, in this blog, I will bring up some of my past memories and experiences that I had encountered when I was a girl to now, an adult. I will also share with you about how I deal with shit literally and non-literally (I work in Daycare, just so you know), how I over come it, what I have done to overcome all my experience, emotions, anxiety, relationships etc, what I want to achieve in Life and what my goals are. But first, let me start with the current Ainy (or my friends will call me Ainy Cobainy. -will tell you more about that later on)

Honestly, I don’t know where to begin. Right now, everything happen so fast. I can’t keep up with it myself sometimes and it’s funny how life is full of surprises. It may be in a good way or the opposite, but either way, it taught me a lot. By a lot I mean A LOT or the Aussie will say Heaps. *Insert winky face* So let’s back up when I first moved to Perth, Western Australia in December 2015.

What makes me want to move here is because, I felt left out. All my siblings are married and that is where I started to realise that every one I loved and cared for, will leave. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE MY SIBLINGS TO DEATH. I am so happy for them that they found someone to share a life together but at the same time, it broke my heart to see one by one leave the house and move on with their next chapter of life and then, there is me. The last child in the family. No savings, No career, None to share my life with. Then one night, I cried myself to sleep after my brother’s wedding (the last sibling to get married). I remember calling my poor dad that night, crying my eyes out to him and start blaming him for leaving us, leaving me. I can remember clearly saying to him (bare in mind I was 23 years old) “Why the Hell did you even leave us? What did we do wrong that you have to leave us, me, Dad?” But he couldn’t give me the answer to that but I continue blaming him saying “I won’t feel this way if you and mum didn’t break up and got divorce! Because if you and mum were together right now, I won’t feel so sad because I know that I when I wake up the next day, both of you will be at home. But no! You have to leave us! That is not fair! I was just 5 years old dad. All I know that after Grandma passed away, I was told that you’re not coming back.” All I heard through the phone was a sniff from my dad. At that point, I just realised that I made him CRY. The only time my dad cry is when a family member of his passed away! But there’s me, with my stupid mouth and emotions made a fucking Warrant Officer in the Army cry! I thought to myself “For Fuck Sake Ain! What the fuck did you do?!” With a sniffy voice, my poor dad said to me “I’m sorry. You need to calm down. Everything happens for a reason. I love you, you are my daughter and always will be.” with that, I said goodbye to him and hang up the phone. The next day, I thought to myself, may be it’s time for me to leave. Leave everything behind in Singapore and start my life in a new country. So, here I am in Perth, five years later, living in my mum’s house with my step-dad. Do I feel bad? Bloody oath I do! I left everything behind, my siblings, my nephews and nieces, my best friend and my dad. I was selfish back then, I just want to do me. To be HAPPY. Find happiness in myself again. -It’s funny how I thought by running away from my problems will make me happier, but no. I thought wrong! At one point, I was kind of happy. Met new friends, build relationship, had a relationship but then I realised that it only cover a tiny part of my happiness. I mean, I met amazing friends here, no doubt. One of them, is a white chick with red hair another version of my best friend (sorry, if it sounded racist! I’m not though and also, my best friend is Asian). Both of them are always there for me when I needed them. Although, my best friend who lives in Singapore and miles away from me, we are still close in our hearts (I LOVE YOU!). These two, I cannot imagine my life without them. They gave me amazing advise on everything. One of them is, Calm the Fuck Down Ain, stop overthinking and analyse shit in my head. So here I am, writing this shit down in my parent’s house.

Okay, the reason why I chose Perth is because, mum is here so, I guess this would be the best opportunity for me to move. I am going to be completely honest with you (throughout my blog). It is hard being back living with my mum because 1. She remarried after 13 years of being single and raising 4 children by herself. I tell ya, it’s tough but God damn, that woman is amazing! She raised us up pretty good. (Well not me, but my siblings, YES!) I’ve seen her at her lowest, highest and her madness too (and trust me, you do not want to see when she’s mad. FUCK! THE WORLD WILL TURN INTO A WAR ZONE! Which it’s going to happen anyway. FUCK PEOPLE JUST FUCKING CALM DOWN ALREADY!!) 2. She got married in 2012 I was 18, kind of doesn’t like the idea of her getting married. I got into an argument with her one day because I don’t like the idea of her getting married and what happens if shit didn’t work out? It will end up back in square one. Also, I don’t need another dad because one dad is enough already to do my head in and having two dads. Gosh, I thought it would suck, but no, it’s pretty alright. My step-dad, he’s cool. Very chilled out guy, always test my mum to her limits and then make a joke out of it, which I find it hilarious! Oh, he is so into fucking Motor GP and Formula One shit like that. BUT! I’m glad to say that, their marriage is still going strong. I give my step-dad props for dealing with my mum’s nagging, sulking and thinks that she is always right (Mostly, she is right. DUH MOTHERS KNOW BEST!). Lastly, 3. After 5 years of not living with her, -Mum, sorry to say this but God, I was fucking free! (FREEDOM FUCK YES BOY! HA!) Well, that doesn’t last long cause now, I’m back with her. *Insert crying face*

I’m sorry, it’s 2 A.M, I need to sleep, but don’t worry! I’ll be back and continue with my story.. For now, I need my beauty sleep. Toodaloo..